Hiding out
I haven't posted in a while, but the only reason is pure cowardice, I guess...
I am so confused these days I don't know what to think...
First of all, work is getting worse... I did get a day off (actually it was 22 hours) but the store is in total chaos and we have inspection coming on Wednesday... And a new 22 year old kiss-ass know-it-all who told me he is after my position... *sigh* not that I'm worried about him, but I just don't need that little kid buzzing in my face every day, ya know?
But then there is my personal life. Is it possible to become a nun after you have been married and have two kids... Oh, and if you aren't Catholic???
Things were great with Hawk... Basically still are, although I am doubting that being with him is really going to meet all my needs... I have been looking at it without my emotions, or sexual feeling, getting in the way... And there is a lot lacking...
Remember Jeff? I told you about him a month or so ago... I have been out to lunch with him three times in the last 6 weeks... And he is just sweeping me off my feet... He could really be the one, but I am scared... I always seem to get into a relationship and then I get "unsatisfied", I'm always looking...
Just like Sara Evans says in her song "I keep looking":
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better
I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more
I just don't want to get into a relationship and then decide I want something else... I always seem to do that... I want someone like Hawk: wild, dangerous... But then I get to where I just want a "normal" relationship with a man who lets me know how much he cares about me, and compliments me, and really enjoys my company... Like Jeff, who even opens doors for me, and brings me flowers.... With Jeff it's all about me with him, and with Hawk, it's all about him...
Oh well, I just wanted you all to know I am still here... Just so screwed up I really didn't want to face you all... You must think I'm just some stupid girl who doesn't know what she wants....
I am so confused these days I don't know what to think...
First of all, work is getting worse... I did get a day off (actually it was 22 hours) but the store is in total chaos and we have inspection coming on Wednesday... And a new 22 year old kiss-ass know-it-all who told me he is after my position... *sigh* not that I'm worried about him, but I just don't need that little kid buzzing in my face every day, ya know?
But then there is my personal life. Is it possible to become a nun after you have been married and have two kids... Oh, and if you aren't Catholic???
Things were great with Hawk... Basically still are, although I am doubting that being with him is really going to meet all my needs... I have been looking at it without my emotions, or sexual feeling, getting in the way... And there is a lot lacking...
Remember Jeff? I told you about him a month or so ago... I have been out to lunch with him three times in the last 6 weeks... And he is just sweeping me off my feet... He could really be the one, but I am scared... I always seem to get into a relationship and then I get "unsatisfied", I'm always looking...
Just like Sara Evans says in her song "I keep looking":
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better
I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more
I just don't want to get into a relationship and then decide I want something else... I always seem to do that... I want someone like Hawk: wild, dangerous... But then I get to where I just want a "normal" relationship with a man who lets me know how much he cares about me, and compliments me, and really enjoys my company... Like Jeff, who even opens doors for me, and brings me flowers.... With Jeff it's all about me with him, and with Hawk, it's all about him...
Oh well, I just wanted you all to know I am still here... Just so screwed up I really didn't want to face you all... You must think I'm just some stupid girl who doesn't know what she wants....
5 Comments:
Seems that the odds of you being able to get Jeff to be a little bit of a Dom with communication, time, love and patience are far better than the odds of getting Hawke to be more like Jeff.
Just a thought....
OOPS! That was me.
mbl
I am right there with you, sweety! Not sure why some of us go through the "always looking" stage but I am finding out, slowly, that the more comfortable I become with myself, the more satisified I become with the whole world around me.
I started to feel the change when I stopped looking for the perfict guy for me and started to look for the perfict ME. It is a long process but I feel a change already.
Keep posting, this is what we are all here for! Keep your chin up and I am still wantin' that
"cup-o-jo" anytime you are ready!
Very good point, mbl... he does have a sense of being very open minded sexually...
Persephone... I too, have found that the more comfortable I am with me the more comfortable I am in a relationship... I also seem to think less and less about what other people think, and my "image"... Jeff is 5'8" or so, bald, funny little "english professor beard", he's a PA who works in a hospital emergency room and has a penchant for hawaiian shirts...
you know those magazine ads for kitchen appliances showing the married couples who are exact opposites in their kitchen?.."Art marries Science"... that is me and Jeff...LOL... Not exactly the big, good looking "bad boys" the world is used to seeing me with...LOL
You are soooo right Diane...
I saw Hawk at Wal Mart... this sudden feeling of fear hit me, and I ducked down another isle so he wouldn't see me...
I just never knew what a relationship could be until I met Jeff...
I am happier with Jeff than I can ever remember being...
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